A Victorian won the $80 million Powerball lottery and the state is trying really hard to be happy for them

Somebody went to bed in Victoria last night apparently unaware they had just won $80 million.

Great. I’m delighted for them. No, really.

If there’s one thing that eases the pain of being stuck in lockdown for the umpteenth time (OK, it’s only the sixth time) it’s knowing that somebody else out there has just won enough money to buy a solid gold house to be trapped in.

According to the people who run these things — they call themselves The Lott (geddit?!) — one person won the entire $80 million Powerball jackpot last night, making them Victoria’s biggest ever lottery winner, and Australia’s third-biggest ever lottery winner.

I am just so happy for them I could simply lie face down on the floor and quietly sob for an hour or so, although I am actually quite busy.

The Powerball people say the winner works as a cleaner, which certainly makes it a lot harder to be really cranky at them. It would be so much easier if they were a lawyer, or a mining magnate, or a journalist, then you could really sink your teeth into hating them.

For a few precious hours though, nobody knew who had won the jackpot, not even the winner.

According to The Lott’s spokesperson, Lauren Cooney, someone’s life had just changed forever, but they might not have realised it.

“That’s the reality for one Victorian player after scoring division one in tonight’s Powerball draw!” she said in The Lott’s media release (their exclamation mark, not mine).

Apparently this lucky person, who I am so undeniably chuffed for, didn’t complete their contact details when entering the lottery online and were denied a “mind-blowing” phone call from the lottery folk last night.

“That is why we are encouraging everyone in Victoria to check their entries because they may be the multi-millionaire we are searching for!” Lauren Cooney said (their exclamation mark again).

“While we are unable to confirm the win with tonight’s winner, we can guarantee that when they discover the news, it’s sure to be met with a hefty mix of shock and excitement!” (a full stop should have sufficed here surely).

Wait, they didn’t enter their contact details? Sorry, random Victorian almost-mega-rich friend, but I’m afraid that renders your entry null and void.

If I can get a parking fine out the front of my own house because I forgot to stick my new residential parking permit sticker on then I’m afraid you don’t get $80 million because you didn’t stick your phone number on your Powerball entry.

I don’t make the rules.

Actually, that’s not true, they still get their money which, as I’ve previously stated, I am absolutely delighted about.

In fact, they would have had six months from the date of the draw to claim the prize. Even if they were so busy doing all of the exciting and spiritually enriching things you can do in lockdown that they didn’t have time to answer the phone between now and January, they still would have gotten the money.

Weirdly, you get longer in some other states. In New South Wales you get six years because apparently that’s how busy New South Wales people are.

I have no cause to be jealous anyway as I didn’t even enter the Powerball. I did the census instead, which is hugely rewarding in its own way. Not financially rewarding, but rewarding in other ways that I just can’t put my finger on right at this moment.

Anyway, good luck to this lucky Victorian who now has enough money to build their own rail line to the airport.

It’s been a tough 12 months for Victorians, but it’s nice knowing someone out there (not me, and not you, and not anyone you know probably) never has to worry about working again and can sleep comfortably on a bed made of neatly folded $50 notes.

If you are reading this and you are the person who has just won $80 million, then you should know that your fellow Victorians couldn’t possibly be happier for you than they are right now.

You should also know that I, in particular, have been a really big supporter of yours for many years.

If you’re in Melbourne and stuck in lockdown, why not treat yourself.

Buy a really big TV from a struggling electrical goods retailer who may or may not have made record profits last year whilst still claiming JobKeeper.

Put the money in a backpack and jog around a local park within your five kilometre travel bubble.

Pile the money into a huge heap in your backyard and throw a frisbee at it.

Give some of it to me.

If you’re in regional Victoria, why not take advantage of your extra freedoms and travel to another regional town and buy it.

Enjoy yourself! (my exclamation mark)